Tiffany♡ yea, thats me. i'm 21 and attached. im a nyp banking student.
i play volley. i enjoy volley. i love volley. i think.(?)

verbal diarrhoea, SPIT

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Well, today marks the end of 2011. We'll all be kissing the blessed or rotten(for some) year good bye and celebrating the coming of 2012 in hopes that it will be as awesome as the last.

I'm kind of feeling the same way I always felt at the end of the year. Like a fusion of happy and sad kind of emotion? Honestly I'm not exactly used to this feeling yet though this is what I feel every year. Kind of makes me uneasy and all queasy.. Maybe it's just knowing that 2012 is a new year and yes, it's the future and yes, the unknown.

2011 has been nothing less than a helluva rollercoaster ride for me. In this year I've been to the lowest point of my life to right now, the peak. :) I really couldnt ask for more. I've been through enough heartbreaks to last me a lifetime though. Actually, not many. Its just 3 in a span of one year? Fell,
Climb back up. Fell, climb back up.. The cycle. HAHAHA. :) I've been through enough drama. Ive met a handful of really wonderful people that I am really thankful of. Personally, it's been an enjoyable year. Reflecting back, I've done a lot. Extremes of both good and bad and I'm not even regretting any. Not even the bad, really.. :) I've found plenty answers to my own questions. Most importantly I guess I've grown considerably. And that I have learnt quite abit of myself. I'm more aware of my flaws now more than anything else..

Change? NAHHHH.. We'll see. Pretty much tested and proven. Try to change and be someone I totally am not is too draining. Got me pretty unhappy.. Hence, i believe a lot more in "a leopard can't change it's spots" now.. Can't change but tone down, yes. :) grow up, yes.

At the end of the day, if you can't handle me.. Then I guess I don't need you, do I? Like they say "If they cant handle You at your worst, they sure as hell dont deserve you at your best." if you can't accept me, then it's just too bad. Everyone has flaws.

In this year, I've played many roles.
In fact, too many. And to what measures? To me, I feel like I've been to extremes. I've been the ultimate nice person. Which is something I do not usually project to others. I've cared enough, I've been there, I've sacrificed, I've given. I now know how it feels like, what kind of reaction this action draws from others. On the other hand, I've been the biggest bitch.
I've toyed, ive manipulated and I've
Betrayed.. I've been the worst I've ever been and probably ever will be..

So in a nutshell, 2011 taught me many many things. Most of which are life lessons.. :) it's also the year that I've done plenty crazy things. Too crazy! I've partied so hard that people I do not know, knows my name in rebel. I've drank so much that I cudnt live a week without alcohol. I did a lot of impulsive things and i chased cheap thrills.. I fell for a really wonderful girl.. I pierced my tongue. I........ Okay.. The list stops here. But you get my drift.

So, personally.. 2011 isn't that rotten to me. Since I can find plenty good in it. But then, for the family.. I shall not say its a good year.. Dad suffered a fit that scared the living crap out of me and that was the last time I ever want to witness that. It happened in Sarawak and I cried like the biggest loser. Couldnt contain my emotions at all..

After crying the entire night that night.. That was when I knew, no heartbreaks will ever break me completely.. Even if it did, I shouldnt let it break me.. That's also when I knew, that I can take any possible heartbreaks coming my way.. Therefore, I fear nothing.. Will still embrace love and I still believe love always wins.. :) call me silly, call me naive. Doesn't matter.

I do not know what to ask for 2012. But more time to do what I need to do, to spend time with those I love. To live everyday like its my last.. I ask for my wisdom to know what to do and which direction to head. I do not want to ups and downs much but then it's hard to say cos that's when I learn the most..

For 2012. I hope whatever it brings, the ones I love will find their happiness. Not happiness brought by having someone in their lives.. But being happy on their very own.. And I want this peace in me to last.. Also the family to remain healthy. :)

So much more to write but I'm so tired now.. Nights world.
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The time for reflections and what nots. Will do so later at work and blog laters. :) need to end off my chapters on onsugar as well before I make a comeback to blogspot.. :)

So laters!
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-- contained.so much i need to spill, don't know where to start. therefore it shall stay this way.My life needs a change. and I'm working on it. :) Come october. life's nothing but a huge ass mess right now. :)
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I guess its time i come to my senses. time to go, time to go.. how long am i going to let myself feel like that? many asked me this question already, no? My answer have always been the same "well, i dont know..". I guess i havent been giving it much thought. Its either that, or that i have been thinking too much. :) tsk..And then i think back on all the advices ive given people, all the quotes, all my beliefs and my own sayings.. i realize i dont practice what i preach. well, at least not anymore. and why? i wonder. why? whats there for me to hold on to anyway? Nothing.. Another question frequently asked "Why put yourself through such misery?" and i answer the same shit "idk." previously, the many times i waited.. the SNAP came early to save me. now, i feel the snap coming but i am denying it. and WHY!? fuck my life. i dont understand. so i thought about it. flipping it over and over in my mind. then i realized this fear. im not naming it here for everyone to know. but theres this one fear and i am still not ready to face it. not yet. but maybe soon. :)I am not as strong as everyone think me to be. myself included. its pretty disappointing tho.And then i wonder.. whatever happened to the old me? the confident, strong, independent me. the one who needed no one. who needed no close bonds. who was perfectly fine or even better off being alone. whatever happened to that? at times, i still feel that way though. but its not as much as before.. and it surprise me somehow that i allowed myself to change. :) so much. this much.. changes are good. this change is good.i'll just need to learn to get back up. bounce. i needa bounce back up. Right now, i feel numb. once in awhile i feel empty to my soul. i dont know. hollow. so empty i can cry but only for abit before i subconsciously keep my emotions in check again. They tell me i need to cry. i need to cry so hard and so bad till i cant cry anymore. but i cant do it. even if i let myself, its just a few tears before i stop. i just cant. and this is killing me softly. well, maybe i havent reach breaking point yet. and when i do, i believe thats when i let my world crumble for a bit. honestly i am looking forward to building my world back up but i am not sure about letting it crumble. about letting my guards down and my walls down. This days. although much have happened. ive laughed ive smiled ive socialized.. ive done things that usually would have made my day. Usually, meeting friends and seeing new people makes my day. i love meeting new people. nowadays, i just feel like im putting on my mask once again. Back to square one, 3 yrs ago. i laugh but the laughter dont reach my eyes. and all the smiles, tho i tried.. were just empty smiles. pretense. i seem to have excelled in it ever since 3 yrs ago no? and this is the one thing about all my traits that i have a lovehate relationship with. i dont know if i liked it or not. good and bad good and bad. sigh! i remember blogging about this many years back and now, many years later, im blogging about it again. tsk. what am i to do with myself? :)see how things goes. see, i am okay. people, quit worrying.<3
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I know I've screwed up. I've been doing it almost flawlessly these days huh? i guess i owe you all the truth, the reason why i got so detached, why i don't feel like meeting up. why I'm so different all over again. so here's why.I've been so high up only to be thrown back down over and over. In the past months, I've cried till i thought my eyes would bleed, I've laughed till i almost died, I've felt so lost i almost went crazy, so helpless i hated myself, so jealous(yeah for the first time), so insecure, so annoyed, so angry, so empty, so excited, so alone, so everything. good and bad, all and all.. i have experienced every emotion humanly possible in a span of a few months. champion, no? :)Fortunately, i am still surviving. I've learnt so much. and because of all these, i feel myself trying to detach myself from my friends again. to go away for abit. to feel myself again.. :) to feel unbreakable.Ive done some really impulsive things. things that wouldn't please my friends very much. Just because I wasn't able to handle my emotions properly, I've hurt and angered some really close to my heart. I've missed Freddie's birthday bash though not deliberate. but i was too caught up with my emotions to remember such stuff. Ive broken my promise to go USS together with baby girl jessie. Ive neglected so many. Then again, i was forgiven even before i can apologize. saying they know me for me, they know apologizing is hard for me. knowing me so well, understanding me and really worrying for me. Sometimes, i think i don't deserve people treating me like this. i don't know what i did to have such smacking awesome people in my life. i can easily name many now. people whom i know will stand by me no matter what and will try to shelter me from the world. I am not perfect and i am not awesome, yet they love me for me. although at times i can be the biggest bitch, it doesn't affect them, they're still there. :) although i do not show it often enough and i know you all know that i have problems expressing appreciations.. do know that I am aware of all the things you all have done for me. all the shits I've put you all through. i am thankful to have you all in my life, really. i don't know what i'll do without you. :) and i know u all believe that i do not need anyone, thanks. i am strong but not invincible. so, i do need you all. :) i know i do. i need you all to know that you all don't have to worry about me. really. i dont like you all worrying about me, fussing over me. i'll be okay. you all really need to stop spoiling me rotten! :) I'm always having my ways with all of you. tsk! anyway i know many of you are probably against the idea of me doing what i am doing. maybe not against, but just think I'm pretty stupid? well, remember that this was what you all did before. for you all, it was a lesson learnt. for me, its new. I've never been here in this situation. i'll never know and i'll never learn if i don't try. and i'll still be that arrogant, snobbish, overconfident bitch that intimidates many. i know my chances and i know what I'm risking. i mean, whats the worst that can happen? i'll get knocked down face flat in mud again, along with my ego and my pride. so? i'll just have to suck it up and get back up, no? :) and when i do, i walk away with new insights. its not like I'm going back to an old relationship that turned bad or something. so you can't really call me stupid.. LOLS. anyways, every bad experience is a lesson learn. i am not asking you all to accept what i do. but I'm just reasoning it out. :) I've already come this far, theres nothing much left for me to lose. this is just what i feel and how i think and my reasons why. i wanna say THANK YOU! For worrying about me constantly but yet trying so hard to look like every things fine, trying not to ask me because you all know thats what i want. Thanks for trying to protect me from the world. for always being there. for forgiving me for all my wrongs and for all the things i am supposed to do but failed. most of all, thank you for accepting me the way i am, understanding me and how i deal with my shit. thank you for loving me even though i am far from perfect.Sorry, for not being good enough and not being awesome. sorry i always screw things up when i get too caught up with emotions. :))Do know that i love y'all very very much. <3 and and very thankful to have you all. i might not be there to have fun with y'all, but when y'all are down and out, i'll fly down really. Renny, Kok, jun, Apple, Jessie, Theo, Ryan, Gay, Aud, Char, Jar, Ryd, and moreeeeeeeeee. <3
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I was at Paramore's concert last night. and man, they were AWESOME! :) Hayley was smokin' hot. The crowd was a bitch though. we were in the mosspit and yea, theres these really rowdy bunch of dumbass-think-theyre-really-cool mattreps trying to be clowns of the clowns really. And surprisingly, the crowd was pretty nerdy. What the fuck happened to all the kick ass punk rock jamming crazy kinda people? :\ well, i guess thats the thing about going mainstream, your songs just suddenly appeal to all kinds of people and all kinds of age. tsk!i had my fair share of fun and screamed till my throat gave way. Jumped like mad, pushed, screamed, headbanged, you name it, we did it. :) Paramore is still awesome. i remember the first song i listened to was - My heart. and i loved them since then. :)) wow. Anyway i really gotta thank Kyte(Amelia) for bringing me there la. and helping me with queue cutting. HAHAHA! I met two really awesome people as well, Lina and Ching. Practically went crazy with me. :)) it was a mad night. mad awesome night.. :) Thank youuuuu.
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ive got so much on my mind right now. so much. well, i guess my life took another turn. triggering all sorts of funny random out of the blue thoughts. all the theories in life, all the experience ive gained and the shit ive been through. all the things i thought i knew. ya, well.. im starting to question them now. all my achievements, were they really mine? all the decisions i made, were they really right? every freaking thing. my minds on overdrive. were my failures solely my fault? was i really not blame for all the hurt i put them through? am i really that awesome to have made a change in peoples life? or am i just another average jane? did i make a difference? did i do right? did i do well? or did i fail without knowing so. all the things i believed in, how much truth were in them? are they even true at all? am i really as strong as everyone thinks me to be? am i as strong as i believed i am? its a never ending list. came to the conclusion that, its the same. it only depends on how you want to look at it. how you want others to see it. For in every lie, theres a little bit of truth. For every wrong, there is right. For every good, there is bad. For every black, there is white. so when i think of all these, i realize that ive always thought i did right. decisions, beliefs, things i did, reasons, everything.. ive always tried to think whats right. whats fair. whats good. How naive and silly.. LOL. well, i guess that comes with confidence. the more confident, the more certain, the more you believe in what you think and feel and do. Now, right or wrong doesnt matter anymore. because no matter what decisions one thinks right, would be wrong to the other. all the things i did previously, thinking its for the best, thinking its right.. but to look at it from the other party's view, its no doubt, wrong.Im not being negative here. so if any of you are starting to worry for me, its not necessary. :)) im just reflecting. and my mind is racing nonstop on random thoughts. When i see my friends and listen to their heart felts. theres just so many different emotions and scenarios.. Dissatisfaction, anger, frustration, selfishness, selflessness, love, hate, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, etc. i just dont know what to say to them for i know what theyre going through. especially when you know what they want to hear yet you cannot say it to them because you know that that is not the truth. there is really so much so much i want to say, i just dont know where to start and how to continue. theres so many things i dont understand. so many questions in my head. honestly, i dont feel the most happy but i am surviving. im not sad, not angry, not disappointed.. maybe just puzzled. looking back, was i really happy? was it enough that i can not give two hoots to the world and what they think? i dont remember? maybe i was really happy, and i didnt even realise it. could that even be possible? or have i just been chasing temporary highs? maybe i am just pretty messed up inside without myself knowing. wtf, i am confusing myself. and when i was at my happiest.. is there a limit? can i experience happiness beyond that? and not forgetting times i thought i would die. times when i cried so hard for the many months, fell into depression and was a real mess. times when i crashed face down. will there be times i get more broken than i was? or will i slowly get use to it, and it wouldnt hurt that much anymore? immune? How come i dont learn even after all these tears, heartaches and scars. why is it that im still not afraid of loving? how can i still have faith in love? HOW COME I STILL BELIEVE LOVE ALWAYS WINS? god, i must be the most retarded person alive. but i guess, id rather have faith in it than not at all. :)i really wonder, how i made it this far. really..what do people mean when they say "tomorrow will be a better day"? as in, what do they really think when they say that? or was it just something people say to make someone else feel better knowing absolutely well, it doesnt change anything. "Everything will be fine" - Really? like how'd you know? i used to feel like that, think like that. thats why i absolutely hate it when i had to confide in people and they keep reciting the same thing to me. when you're down and flat, everything everyone else says to you just seem wrong. and i apologise to those i was mean to just because you were trying to make me feel better but i didnt wanna listen. :D i am stubborn like that.And now i wonder, when people say that to me. what were they thinking? why do you think it will be alright? whats your reason behind saying those? or is even a reason? because when i say it i really believe in every single alphabet.. like everythings gonna be fine. it might not turn out the way you want it to be. but ultimately, at the end of the day.. you're just gonna be fine. its a survivor thing i guess? that made me what i am today i guess. everythings gonna be fine. i dont have to worry my silly head too much about a lot of things cos in the end, i will be able to cope. i will find a way. if things dont work out, theres always another solution. if theres no other solution, then you gotta change the problem. and adapt. and things will be fine all over again. see the problem? i suppose i am too certain of myself. i realized this days when i experience freaking insecurities for the fucking first time of my life.. that it was because of my confidence, it was because i believed too much in myself that i almost died of negativity. the confusion is this..you would say that if i am confident and certain of myself, i should NOT have ANY insecurities. which was how i was previously? and almost cried thinking i am less confident now, less certain, that i have changed into someone smaller, someone lesser than strong, someone vulnerable, someone whose scared of everything.. Thats true to a certain extend. lets look at another point of view now. when one has always been so confident and so sure of herself. when one has always counted on her own instincts and worked on her own beliefs.. not letting others influence her. how can she not be certain? how can she not believe her feelings? how to when shes always proven herself right? ... One day something struck her and she started looking at all the different scenarios.. turns a little negative. with time, she'd be very negative thinking, no? because she's always counted on herself despite what others may have to say. because shes very certain of her instincts n thinking, no?so i guess i now know why at one point of time, when i am feeling negative, i go all the way down low.. panicked because i sensed the change and not wanting to lose myself, slowly made my way up again. everything happens for a reason. its just a matter of time. :) i have always believed in this.. there is not reason for this post at all. no meanings. its just me and my random thoughts. theres just so much more to learn in life. i just need to be more aware. :)) i just feel pretty alone now.
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Ive been like this for a few weeks now i suppose? like all i wanna do is just lay LOW. I dont feel like heading to town, no mood to bring the party ons, no wish to meet up with random people. weirdly, i am perfectly fine with staying in the entire day just lazing around the house. :)Anyway, the past few days have been nothing but chilling and more chilling. :) and i am enjoying every single moment of it. Theres this day eunice came over to my place and spent the entire afternoon/evening watching big bangs and all with me till like 1am? i didnt even feel like i wasted a day at home! like normally, i'd get frustrated and all, but then it didnt happen. :) but of course, we had balls of fun. Theres this other day when theo called and demanded dinner or meetup giving an excuse saying its our holidays and all. :) knowing he isnt feeling too awesome, i called on warren and brought eunice with me. Head all the way down to East Coast Park to chill and talk. Dropped Theo off and 3 of us went to KAMPONG PARK(this little garden like area near warrens place) and share ghost stories till all 3 of us got scared. HAHAHAHA! =)Another day when one of the breads wasnt feeling right. so they brought me to Canopy at bishan park 1. Where we can drink smoke and talk. :) Was like a heart to heart talk session between all of us. Purely htht and chilling.. it felt like a night well spent. usually i wouldnt feel that way, but i dont know why these days.. i just am happy laying really low. :\Yesterday was just WORK. 2-10. and Eunice had 2 tuition in a row and dinner plans right after tuition. So i didnt really get to whatzapp her much yesterday. felt weird really. but she came to surprise me after work. I WAS ECSTATIC! :) mad happy to see her kind? she came to see me for abit and then sent me home. AND TODAY! will be dinner with eunice and her friends yk and rox. :) laterrrrrrs~
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